I longed for my mother’s love. I’ve tried so hard to gain her approval, to finally make me worthy of being her daughter. But, I failed.
All I ever want is for her to stay and love me. Each time she leaves, I become that helpless, lonely child again. The pain, oh the pain, it happens all over again.
I did so many bad choices in life, which I thought will make the pain go away. Sometimes, it’s easier to think that I am indeed a failure. It’s way simpler than to accept that my own mother cannot be the mother I’ve always longed for.
I ask why? Perhaps my existence reminds her of the bad decision she made a long time ago.
And she can tell the world how much she cares and how bad of a daughter I am; and if that makes her feel good then, I will let her have that.
But please stop making me feel guilty about the “sacrifices” she had to make in order to give me a better life. I’ve been living with that guilt all these years. The guilt that she has to provide for me. The guilt that she is miserable all because of me.
But it was never my choice to be alive. It was never my choice that she had to leave. And despite all the efforts and things I offered to make her stay, to choose me… again, she chose to leave. She chose herself, again.
I only hope that one day she will find peace in accepting that it is never my fault if she finds it impossible to love me and see how she repeatedly broke my heart.
Enough with the lies. Enough making excuses why I will never be worthy of being the daughter she will love and care for. Enough blaming me.
I am so exhausted of trying. I am so tired.
I choose to end the trauma. I choose to be happy because my son needs me to be there for him.
I’m done looking for excuses on why she cannot be the mother I need.
This time, I give up being that helpless, lonely child she always leaves behind.
I say goodbye to her abandonment and trauma.
Goodbye, lonely child.