All these years I’ve been longing for my mother’s love. All these years, I’ve been trying hard to gain her approval, to finally make me worthy of being a daughter. But all these years, I failed. She chooses to leave when all I want is for her to stay and love me.
My heart was broken so many times and each time she recreates the scene of abandoning me, I become that helpless, lonely child again. The pain is so unbearable that no one else would be able to fathom.
I did so many things, including bad choices in life, I thought will make the pain go away by redirecting it to something else. But sometimes, it’s easier to simply accept I am a failure. I was that bad decision she made and my existence continues to remind her of that.
She can tell the world how much she cares and how bad of a daughter I am; and if that makes her feel good of herself, then, I will let her have that.
But, enough making me feel guilty that she had to sacrifice her life in order to give me a better life. I’ve been living with that guilt all these years. The guilt that she is miserable all because of me.
But it was never my choice to be born. It was never my choice that she had to leave. And despite all my efforts and things I offered to make her stay, to choose me… again, she chooses to leave. She chose herself.
I only hope that one day she will find peace in accepting that it is never my fault if she finds it impossible to love me and see clearly that she continuously abandon me, only this time, she will no longer be able to tell me that it is for my own good.
She lied she will stay and she finds all the reason why she should leave. In the end, it is always my fault. Hence, I come to accept, I will never be worthy of being the daughter she will love and care for.
I am so exhausted of trying. I am so tired.
Let her be happy and if she truly cares, she has to let me go. I can no longer keep ties with someone who traumatizes me every chance she gets close to my inner circle.
Maybe she is so clueless how much she hurt me and how bad she makes me feel about myself even with a very brief time spent with her.
This time, I give up being that helpless, lonely child she always leaves behind. I want to accept and love myself in every way I can.
I owe it to my own child and partner to be mentally, physically & emotionally fit to be able to raise and love them unconditionally.
I say goodbye to her abandonment and trauma.
Goodbye, lonely child.
p.s. you may also read my previous blog about “Mothers come in many forms”