I haven’t written in awhile, but it’s not because I have nothing to write about. In fact, there are a lot of things on my head that it gets overwhelming sometimes. I guess this needs a bit of getting used to. So, I asked myself what makes the “writing” harder this time? I can only think of one answer – fear of judgment.
In my recent visit to the doctor, I did mention that I started a little blog. When my doctor asked how I feel that it’s for everyone to see, my reply simply was that it’s ok coz I feel good sharing my little projects here. I also thought that even though it’s for public to see, I don’t have a pool of audience so I don’t feel uncomfortable at all.
However, after my 2nd post, I became more conscious of what to write about and I don’t like the feeling. This is supposed to be comforting for me and the moment this stresses me out, I should stop at once. I simply don’t see the point of continuing but not enjoying it.
That’s the time I had a little chat with myself on why I started this in the first place. This site is intended to share my many passions in hope to inspire others too and it doesn’t matter if it’s 1 or 2 people.
Depression is such a taboo in my country. Most of the people would be more comfortable talking about crime and corruption over mental health. I know because I have experienced that firsthand. People judged and blamed me even. While for those who do not have a full understanding of my condition (I was diagnosed with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD and Depression), they’ll simply say: “kulang ka lang sa dasal.” (Translation: You need to pray more).
The prejudice did more harm than good and that’s the reason why I openly talk about it now rather than keep it or be ashamed of it. I am one of the fortunate ones who survived and I do wonder how others fought their battles.
I wish there will only be victors and that there will be more people who’ll understand.
I said to my doctor that I felt I am having a “crisis” as I find it too late for me to be trying out new things to do. I feel guilty sometimes especially when I think of a great career I’ve had, and may still have, but rather not do, at the moment. My doctor, wonderful as always, encouraged me instead to see this as an opportunity to reset my life.
I figured I’ve never had the chance to pause and do things I truly like.
Nowadays, the highlight of my day is preparing meal for my family. I did cook for them sometimes when I was still working full-time but I have never really enjoyed the time with them. Now, seeing the smile on their faces, whether or not they liked what I prepared, is priceless. 😊
That made me think, maybe I could add a “food” category here. Well, why not? This is about finding joy in simple things after all.
No more fear from what others may have to say, I’ve had too much of that already. The journey continues then, because life is meant to be cherished and paying it forward makes everything worth it.